Ways to Increase Your Ability to Have an Orgasm

When it comes to having great sex, sexual pleasure and connection are important. For many peope, reaching orgasm is highly important. However, orgasms for women are often elusive than male orgasms due to a diverse range of factors including lack of sexual arousal, pressure to have an orgasm and not getting enough clitoral stimulation.

If you don't typically have an orgasm or you’re having difficulty having orgasms, there are some things you can change to increase your chances or having an orgasm. Difficulties in achieving orgasm shouldn't be viewed as female sexual dysfunction; it's a shared experience that affects not just female sexual arousal and sexual satisfaction but also sometimes, the couple's relationship and women's self-esteem. 

In this episode of the Great Sex Podcast, I shed light on the potential difficulties that women encounter. I also share some strategies and secrets to enhance your knowledge and sexual pleasure to help you on your journey to having consistent and pleasurable orgasms.

For Many Women, Orgasms are Really Elusive.

Ah, orgasms! They're like a burst of pure euphoria, releasing those delightful "feel-good" hormones in our brains. They're not just pleasurable; they're also great stress-relievers and provide health benefits such as relaxation, sleep, and an improved mood. The tricky part is that orgasms can be quite elusive for many women.

This episode highlights the challenges of female orgasm versus male orgasm. Although some men have difficulty experiencing orgasm, the more likely scenario is for a female partner to have trouble climaxing. Research shows a very clear orgasm gap between men and women, with men having a higher orgasm frequency. This episode topic is important because so many women don't know how to increase their chances of having an orgasm. We hope to lower the orgasm gap such that women achieve orgasm parity. Learning how to orgasm is a unique journey for every woman. There's no one-size-fits-all answer, and that's what makes this journey unique and deeply personal.

Understanding the Factors Affecting Female Orgasms.

There are various reasons women have trouble reaching climax, and it's essential to explore these factors with empathy and self-compassion. Various factors may influence your ability to orgasm, such as the need for the right amount of stimulation to the right place for the right amount of time, the right mood, and environment, pressure to climax and knowing what you need to have an orgasm.

The Pressure to Orgasm.

One of the most significant challenges women face is the immense pressure to orgasm. This pressure can stem from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, media portrayals of sex, and personal insecurities.  I've had the privilege of working with countless women who've grappled with orgasm challenges. Many of them felt pressure to reach orgasm, often as a means of pleasing their partner, and many have felt like they're letting their partners down when they are unable to orgasm.

It's crucial to remember that orgasms are not the sole indicator of sexual satisfaction. Instead, focus on enjoying the journey, the connection with your partner, and the sensations you're experiencing. By letting go of the pressure, you're more likely to find your path to pleasure. 

The Impact of Stress.

Stress can be a significant orgasm killer. Whether it's stress about life in general or sexual performance anxiety, our bodies are biologically wired to struggle with orgasms when we're stressed. The more you worry about taking too long to reach orgasm, the more challenging it can become.  This is where the pressure to achieve orgasm can be detrimental to you experiencing an orgasm.

Relying on Penetration for Female Orgasms.

A common misconception is the belief that penetrative sex alone should lead to a female orgasm. Plus, most people think the goal of sex is intercourse. Isn’t that what Hollywood shows us? We see couples ripping their clothes off and bypassing foreplay and jumping right into intercourse, where they have earth shattering simultaneous orgasms. That's not real life; the reality is quite different.

Only a small percentage of women (18% to 30%) can achieve orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone, without the simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris. Additionally, only a small percentage of that 18 to 30% can reliably orgasm from intercourse. Make sure to engage in non-intercourse activities that get you sexually aroused such as massage, genital touching, sensual kissing, oral sex, and sex toys, savoring each moment rather than rushing to intercourse. Real-life pleasure and connection should be your primary goals, not just intercourse.

Getting Enough Stimulation to Your Clitoris or Other Erogenous Zones.

The clitoris is often referred to as the epicenter of female sexual pleasure and female orgasms, and for a good reason. It's packed with thousands of nerve endings and is the pathway to reaching orgasm. Erogenous zones are parts of your body that you find sexually arousing. For many women, these erogenous zones include not just the clitoris but also their breasts and g-spot. Nipple stimulation can be very arousing for both men and women. And just in case you don't know where the g-spot is, it's located on the rear vaginal wall about a finger's length inside your vagina.

A small bundle of nerves connect the g-spot to the clitoris. In terms of the types of female orgasms, there are many opinions about whether a clitoral orgasm is different from a g-spot orgasm or whether women experience blended orgasms from vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation. For some women, these types of female orgasms feel very different, while for others, there's no difference between a clitoral orgasm or a blended orgasm. Because the nerve endings connect the clitoris and g-spot, many sex therapists feel every orgasms is a clitoral orgasm.

If you haven't experimented with g-spot stimulation, you can try a sex toy such as a vibrator or dildo designed to provide direct or indirect stimulation to the g-spot. Likewise, you can position your body in a way that the penis hits the g-spot during penetrative vaginal intercourse while also using your fingers or a vibrator to directly stimulate your clitoris. For some women, thrusting during vaginal penetration provides vaginal stimulation by indirectly stimulating their g-spot and increasing arousal. Either way, most women need significant genital stimulation to their clitoris in order to orgasm in addition to any type of vaginal stimulation they receive from penetrative sex.

Taking Enough Time.

One significant mistake many women make is not allowing themselves sufficient time for their orgasm. Unlike men, who often orgasm within the first three to five minutes of direct penile stimulation, most women need 20-40 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Many women who haven't experienced an orgasm simply haven't given themselves the time they need. 

Taking time during foreplay is essential, as some couples rush into intercourse too quickly, focusing solely on reaching their goal of having an orgasm through intercourse. Remember, the goal is pleasure and connection, not a race to the finish line.

Nurturing Your Journey to Orgasm.

Female orgasm, a topic often shrouded in mystery and misconceptions, is a unique journey for every woman. So, you might be wondering, "How can I nurture my journey to female orgasm?" There's no one-size-fits-all answer, and that's what makes this journey unique and deeply personal. Various factors may influence your ability to orgasm, such as the need for proper stimulation, the right mood, ambiance, or environment.

Your body is unique, and only you can truly understand where and how you need to be touched. Be open to exploring your desires and dislikes when it comes to sex. Take your time; women often require more time to orgasm than men.

Strategies to Improve Your Ability to Orgasm.

Now that we've touched upon some common challenges, let's explore strategies to enhance your orgasms. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but these tips can help you on your journey to sexual satisfaction.

Self-Exploration and Masturbation.

Getting to know your own body is an essential step on the path to better orgasms. Self-exploration through masturbation helps you to learn what feels good for you by touching yourself or using a sex toy. Explore yourself in a non-judgmental and curious manner. Learn what feels good and communicate your preferences with your partner. Masturbation is a healthy way to become more in tune with your body and your desires.

You can even invite your sexual partner to join into this type of sexual activity, enhancing both your sexual arousal and tension. If you need help finding the courage to masturbate or need ideas about new ways to masturbate or experience sexual stimulation, OMGYES is a wonderful, research-based resource focused on helping women and their partners learn about enhancing female sexual arousal and helping them to experience orgasm.

Communication is Key.

Whether its direct or indirect stimulation, vaginal penetration or clitoral stimulation with fingers, oral sex or using a sex toy, whatever you need for an enjoyable sexual experience is okay. Remember that it is your body and only you can know where you need to be touched, how long you need to be touched, and what type of touch you need.

Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial to a healthy sexual relationship. Let them know what feels good, what you'd like to explore, and any concerns or fears you may have. Creating a safe space for conversation can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship and hopefully set the stage for better male and female orgasms, along with a feeling of closeness and connection.

Experimentation. 

Variety can spice up your sex life and help you discover what works best for you. Don't be afraid to experiment with different positions, techniques, or a sex toy if that's something you're comfortable with. What's most important is that you're both enjoying the experience. 

Mindfulness Techniques for Sexual Satisfaction. 

Stress can affect your overall well-being and your sexual experience. In fact, stress can be an orgasm killer. Our bodies are biologically wired to have trouble orgasming when we're stressed. Thus, the more you are stressed about your orgasm, the harder it is for you to reach that climax. 

As a certified sex therapist, I recommend practicing mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness, the practice of being fully present in the moment, can significantly enhance your sexual experience. Being mindful means being fully present with your partner, noticing the subtle sexual cues and the things that bring you pleasure. Instead of getting caught up in performance anxiety or overthinking, try to immerse yourself in the sensations of the present.

Deep, conscious breathing can be an excellent tool for staying grounded and connecting with your own body. Letting go of distractions and being mindful can help you overcome mental barriers to orgasm. By being mindful, you'll become better at noticing sexual cues and all the things that feel good to you.

Start practicing mindfulness outside the bedroom first. Relax, breathe, and clear your mind. Mindfulness doesn't mean not having thoughts interrupt you. Rather, it's all about learning to stop thoughts from intruding and distracting you from being present. Instead of letting thoughts hijack you, mindfulness teaches you to notice the intruding thought and then immediately let it go. The more you develop this skill, the better you'll apply it during intimate moments.

Adopt the Mindset that You Can Orgasm

And lastly, adopt the mindset that you’re going to achieve orgasm. Your brain is your biggest sex organ and how we think about ourselves as sexual beings greatly impact our interest in sex and our overall sexual health. Keep in mind that you, not your partner, are responsible for your orgasm.

Seek Professional Help

If you find that your challenges with orgasm are significantly affecting your life and relationships, seeking help from a certified sex therapist can be incredibly beneficial. You can find a certified sex therapist in your state through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at AASECT.org.

Although orgasms are great for our physical and mental health, your goal should be to create an enjoyable sex life with your partner that honors sexual health and is based on mutual pleasure and a deeper and more intimate connection.

The following are some additional resources for further reading:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz

The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides