What Turns You On?

Woman in bathtub getting ready to have sex

Did you ever wonder what you could do to get yourself turned on and in the mood? If you are like most people, you probably don’t know and you may wait for the moment to just spontaneously hit you. Well guess what? If you are a woman, you might be waiting a long time because women don’t often have spontaneous sexual desire. So it’s extra important for you to know how to get yourself in the mood!



As a certified sex therapist, I often find myself helping people understand themselves sexually and that includes learning how to get themselves excited to have sex. This is often very eye-opening and empowering. Learning about how to own your sexuality builds confidence and increases your overall sexual pleasure.

How do women get themselves turned on?

We all know that men and women are really different, right? Remember the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?" We are biologically wired very differently and sometimes, that can make one gender think there's something wrong with them when in fact, they are just different.

Many women think there's something wrong with them or that they're not interested in sex because, unlike men, they don't typically have spontaneous sexual desires. They don't sit around having sexual thoughts, getting turned on wanting sex just out of the blue. The truth, however, is that it’s normal and it’s just how they are wired to be.  That is why it’s hard for some women to feel turned on or in the mood to initiate sex. However, because of that, many women think they have low sexual desire when in reality, they have a different type of sexual desire.

As compared to men, women often get interested in sex once they start doing something sexual. We call this responsive sexual desire. Once they start engaging in sexual activity, they respond with sexual desire. Men have something called spontaneous sexual desire. They have more frequent spontaneous sexual thoughts and might also be more likely to externalize their sexual thoughts than women. This can make women feel inadequate or like they lack desire.


The importance of connection.

For most women, feeling a sense of connection with their partner is the pathway that helps them to get in the mood to have sex. Sometimes, this need to feel connected hinders women from getting turned on and eventually having great sex. 

Connection plays a pivotal role in nurturing sexual desire among women. It's like the foundation upon which a passionate and fulfilling sex life is built. For many women, emotional closeness with their partner is intimately linked to physical intimacy, making the quality of their connection paramount in igniting the flames of passion

Firstly, a strong emotional bond provides a sense of trust and safety, which is crucial for women to feel comfortable and open during intimate moments. When women feel respected and valued, it creates an environment where they can explore their desires without fear of judgment. This emotional connection fosters deeper intimacy and leads to greater sexual satisfaction.

Furthermore, emotional connection deepens the physical connection between partners. It's not just about the act of sex itself; it's about shared experiences, laughter, and moments spent together. These moments reinforce the emotional connection and act as a kind of foreplay, gradually increasing sexual desire and passion.

Lastly, an emotional bond helps women feel desired and appreciated, boosting their self-esteem and body confidence. When women feel valued for who they are, it positively impacts how they perceive themselves as sexual beings.

This positive feedback loop of emotional connection and sexual desire enhances overall relationship satisfaction, resulting in a more enduring and fulfilling partnership. In essence, connection is the bridge that links emotional intimacy with physical desire, creating a more satisfying and passionate love life.

This connection goes beyond the physical aspects of sex and enhances the overall quality of the experience. If you’re someone who needs that connection with your partner to get turned on, then build that connection and explore more of what you both want in your sex life.


Being relaxed and rested increases pleasure.

In the intricate dance of human desire, stress often plays the role of an unwelcome party crasher. When we find ourselves in the throes of anxiety or tension, our desire for intimacy often takes a nosedive.

Imagine a romantic evening: soft music, candlelight, and the promise of intimacy in the air. Now, throw stress into the mix, and suddenly, the mood becomes as tense as a coiled spring.

Stress has a remarkable ability to hijack our emotional and physical responses, putting the brakes on desire. It's like trying to light a match in a windstorm – nearly impossible. When we're stressed, our bodies enter a fight-or-flight mode, prioritizing survival over pleasure. As a result, the simmering embers of passion get doused, leaving us feeling disconnected from our desires and our partners.


Fantasies can help you feel sexy and in the mood

Sexual fantasies can be a powerful tool for arousal, adding an element of excitement to one's intimate experiences. These private daydreams, often hidden from the world, hold the potential to transform routine encounters into passionate adventures. They're like the unspoken desires that reside deep within our minds, waiting to be explored.

Sexual fantasies help many people get turned on. In fact, incorporating fantasies can add a bit of excitement to your sexual experience. The beauty of fantasies is that they are deeply personal and can remain confidential if you prefer.

However, sharing them with your partner can create a unique opportunity to deepen your intimacy. Sometimes, just saying your fantasies out loud to your partner is erotic. Other times, you and your partner can take it one step further and act them out.

Imagine a candid conversation about your desires, leading to an exploration of uncharted territory together. It's like embarking on a journey where reality and fantasy blend, allowing your deepest cravings to come to life.

Whether you choose to keep your fantasies to yourself or share them with your partner, the key is to let your imagination roam freely and explore your sexual desires. Your fantasies are the blueprints for your shared experiences, adding a thrilling dimension to your intimate connection.

So, don't hesitate to tap into your inner desires and let them enhance your journey of pleasure together. Let your imagination run wild!


Transitioning your brain to sex and indulging in erotica.

If you’re having a hard time getting yourself turned on, it would be best to figure out what types of activities help you get more in the mood to have sex. This is what I refer to as transitioning your brain to sex.

Creating the right ambiance for intimacy can be surprisingly simple yet incredibly effective. Something as straightforward as lighting romantic candles or soft, dimmed lights and indulging in a soothing shower can work wonders in setting the mood for a more relaxed and intimate experience.

These gestures create an atmosphere of comfort and sensuality, priming you for a deeper connection with your partner. Don't underestimate the power of anticipation either – looking forward to a sexual encounter can significantly heighten your arousal. You anticipate sex with your partner to get yourself more turned on. 

For many women, the world of erotic romance novels is a source of sexual excitement and exploration. This erotic romance genre has seamlessly woven itself into pop culture, especially in today's digital age, where audiobooks and stories provide an immersive experience complete with sexy sounds that are arousing.

Some prefer watching porn to heighten pleasurable sensations and sexual arousal, particularly during solo sex, also referred to as female masturbation. Also, I want to emphasize that there are ethical porn websites where performers are treated respectfully and compensated fairly, ensuring a consensual and safe environment for all involved.


Get turned on by sex toys.

Sometimes, we just need a little help to boost our desires which is why many women like using sex toys. Some use a sex toy as part of their foreplay to help them transition into feeling more aroused. These can help women achieve higher levels of pleasure, especially in erogenous zones, which can in turn boost desire and contribute to a more satisfying sexual experience.

There are many other ways to get turned on if sex toys are not for you. You can try doing role play or engaging in dirty talk if being sexually playful with your partner is a turn-on for you. What's important is for you to experiment and figure out what makes you feel desirable and confident in your own body.

You are more likely to enjoy sex if you understand your own body and sexual energy. Keep in mind that if you can relax and enjoy sex, it does become more fun. Elevate the fun of intimacy and utilize these tips to boost your own sexual pleasure and sex drive.

If you'd like to learn more about specific techniques to help you orgasm, I encourage you to visit a research-focused organization called OMGYES which focuses on presenting helpful information to enhance female sexual pleasure.

If you want to take your sexual pleasure up several notches, download my free resource, 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life!



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